@JoParkerBear Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
@PrincesaBallena 8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
@VodkaShorebird I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
@withanewname Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
@LoveNLunchmeat If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
@djdarrellripley Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
@lloydrang Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
@extranapkins Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
@lovemydogduck What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
@jessokfine When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
@liljonlovitz [runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN