@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

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@PrincesaBallena

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@extranapkins

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

@jessokfine

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.

@liljonlovitz

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN