Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.