Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

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[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too


I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.


I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.


Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.


Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that


*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*


I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.


What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.


I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.


Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.