@jilleb163

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

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@WheelTod

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

@LittleHarmonica

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

@daddygofish

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

@Home_Halfway

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@thehubrispanda

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.