Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change