Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.