@Intelligiant2

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

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@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@T_Bonezzz_

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

@carlyken

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

@ObscureGent

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

@FrogAvalanche

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

@shamanhealer

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

@TheHyyyype

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*