Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

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How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”


Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’


Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.


Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.


Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”


Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.


Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.


GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*