Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music