Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.