Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees

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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.


Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.


[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV


Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?


Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.


Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have