Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Therapist: no come on, they must have