Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not