Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
You Might Also Like
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
No, I don’t think I will.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
That’s a good costume, I hope.
(by @ZachWeiner )
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.