Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Noted.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
These 3D printers are insane!
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”