Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
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I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The devil.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!