Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
me when I see my crush
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go