Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet