Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My blood type is b hungry.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I was just discussing this with my cat
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how