Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
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Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
😍😂🥰😂😍
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.