sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
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there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*