Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*offers Batman cough drops*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Wait a minute…
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’d use my best pan on you.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.