Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!