Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…