Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God