Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
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“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?