Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
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Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Carpe DM
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.