Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too