Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.