sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You Might Also Like
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.