Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Trying
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The best plant holders?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.