Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.