Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
You Might Also Like
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Called it
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.