sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.