@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

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@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@_elvishpresley_

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

@JohnLyonTweets

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@aaronflarin

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

@pilau

In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.