Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
You Might Also Like
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft