Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.