Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Where’s my employee discount too?

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.