Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
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We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.