Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
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[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
we’re dead?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music