Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
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Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.