Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
They did not miss in the small print
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations