Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.