Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]