Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.