Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)