Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The Weeknd is back
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?