Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Good morning, Twitter x
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.