Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.