Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Yet the one time I did, I got banned