@jenlaw_11

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

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@YourFavMexi_Can

“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.

@Gabrus

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

@briangaar

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

@EliBraden

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@murrman5

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

@lmegordon

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

@Jenny4ashley

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?