Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

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“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.


Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families


Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies


Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’


“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.


good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*


Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.


On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?