Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
You Might Also Like
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
as is their right
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
😂😂😂