sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
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Don’t talk down to me
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
based al yankovic
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Cndnsd Mlk
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.