Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You Might Also Like
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
found my next D&D character name
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place