Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.