Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
CUTE CAT‼︎
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Super Hand Dog Face
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
repaired
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Worth remembering.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago