Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
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subtitles are so good nowadays
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My Plans 2020
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.