Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
there’s probably a fee though
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.